Retail Hell: How I Sold My Soul to the Store by Freeman Hall

Author:Freeman Hall
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
ISBN: 9781440505775
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2010-10-18T07:00:00+00:00

The Two Virginias

Meet Virginia . . . and Virginia. Both haunted The Big Fancy on a daily basis. No, they weren’t ghosts. Unfortunately, they were customers. But I wish they had been ghosts! I’d have shooed them away with rice or garlic or burning sage.

Virginia Number One was Retired. Virginia Number Two was Crazy. Retired Virginia was in her late sixties. Widowed. A former bank teller. Crazy Virginia was in her early fifties. Single. Mentally insane. The Two Virginias were polar opposites.

Retired Virginia had bouffant hair the color of gray flannel topping an overly powdered face with too much bright makeup, reminding me of a manic Marie Antoinette. Her clothes were classic, moderately priced designer knit suits, sweater sets, gabardine slacks, and low-heeled dress shoes. And no matter what she wore, a glistening gold cross hung proudly from her neck.

Crazy Virginia had gray-brown frizzy hair the color of dried dog shit over a bloated, pockmarked face with black bean eyes. Her wardrobe consisted of a green-and-blue plaid flannel shirt with holes, light gray sweatpants, and dirty white tennis shoes. Like Retired Virginia, Crazy Virginia also had a cross hanging from her neck, though hers was much smaller and not as shiny.

Crazy Virginia wore the same outfit every single day. The only thing that made me not think of her as a homeless person was the fact that her ratty clothes were laundered, she didn’t stink, and on occasion I’d see her wearing light makeup.

Retired Virginia carried brand-name handbags, and many of them had been purchased from me, usually during sales. Retired Virginia had sophisticated old-lady fashion flair.

Crazy Virginia didn’t carry a handbag. Instead, she clutched a ragged, dirty, old teddy bear that looked as if it had barely survived her childhood. She never bought anything from me. Crazy Virginia had no fashion flair whatsoever. Everyone in the store had nicknamed Crazy Virginia Teddy Bear Lady.

Retired Virginia earned the title of Jabbermouth because of the way she would corner a salesperson, deluge them with her verbal diarrhea, and chatter for hours about inconsequential things in her life that none of us wanted to hear.

The bunions on her feet hurt. She ate a sandwich at The Big Fancy Restaurant that gave her indigestion. Her son was having an affair. She was tired but couldn’t sleep. Jabbermouth Virginia ran one subject right into the next like a demolition derby.

Crazy Virginia, on the other hand, had liar-liar-navy-sweatpants-on- fire mouth and chattered for hours incoherently about her life as a corporate lawyer and about how the Good Lord told her things.

The clients she had were nagging her. She was late for court. Local law enforcement was harassing her. The Good Lord said not to eat any muffins that day. Crazy Virginia spurted out jumbled lies like she was running for office.

The Two Virginias came to The Big Fancy Department Store every day. During the course of their daily rituals, they passed each other constantly. They were like cars with tinted windows speeding down the freeway, ignoring each other.

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